Reactions of Rape and Sexual Abuse Survivors

There is no right or wrong way to react to sexual violence. Whatever you do feel is right and valid for you as each woman responds in her own way. If you can talk about your feelings with other women, it can help you understand where they came from and in this way regain control over your life.

Rape is an act which is controlled by the rapist. During rape a woman's right to be self-powered and sexually self determined is completely denied. Our sexuality is fundamental to our sense of ourselves and such violation takes away the control we expect to have over our bodies and our lives. Talking about what happened, affirming the reality of what you experienced and the validity of what you feel can help you to take back that control.

• Isolation

  Many survivors experience feelings of isolation, as it is often difficult and frightening to disclose experiences of rape and sexual abuse and to seek the support and information they require to begin healing from their experience. However you are not alone, there are a lot of agency's that want to provide you with support and understanding. The first call may be difficult but you don't have to go through this alone.

• Shock

  You are likely to suffer some degree of shock after being raped. This may take various forms, from being completely calm and unemotional to shaking, crying or laughing hysterically, twitching, feeling unable to think, and so on. This may occur immediately or some time later.

• Loss of Control

  When a man rapes you, he is using his power as a man to frighten, degrade and humiliate. He is telling you that your wishes and feelings are both unimportant, and that you are there for his use and nothing else. The feeling of not having what you want taken into consideration can stay with you afterwards. Many women, after being raped, are left feeling as if they are unable to make decisions because they feel like their decisions don't count for anything.

• Anger

  Anger can be the culmination of many different feelings; frustration at your inability to get back at the man who raped you, the enforced realisation of your own powerlessness, outrage at the effect the assault has had on you, impatience with the responses you have received from other people, indignation that any man can believe he has the right to rape you, anger at yourself for not having handled things differently.

  Anger is a positive and very natural reaction to rape. Shifting the blame from yourself to the man who chose to commit the crime encourages your anger to become focused on him rather than on you. There are a lot of safe ways to vent anger. Anger is normal and natural. Anger can provide some positive energy if used safely and constructively. Find a way of releasing the anger that works for you. Some ideas include; throwing stones in the river/sea, yelling, hitting cushions, running down stairs, exercise etc...

• Carrying on as normal

  Many women, contrary to popular mythology, carry on as 'normal' after being raped. Control of your sexuality, your reactions and your life are taken away from you when you are raped. It is not surprising, therefore, that you might decide to hold on to what control you have after such an experience. You may refuse to let it affect you, carry on going to work, caring for your children, not telling anyone about it, burying it deep inside. The reminders however are numerous - jokes, newspaper articles, advertising, conversations at work, sexual harassment. At some point, too, you are likely to feel very angry, and very vulnerable. It is important that you take time for yourself, to be cared for, and that you don't expect too much of yourself.

• Nightmares

  Many women have nightmares after being raped. They can make you afraid to go to sleep, sapping your strength. It is important to try to deal with the nightmares somehow. One way to do it is to talk about these nightmares, the feelings they are bringing up for you, and the details of the rape itself. By talking with someone, you share the burden of what is in your head, and you can also pick the nightmares to pieces and, in doing so, control them. This does not mean the nightmares will necessarily go away. It does however, mean that you recognise them when they come and will hopefully be able to wake someone up and ask for support at the time, rather than suffering many sleepless nights.

• Fear

  It is understandable that the terror you have been made to feel will not automatically disappear afterwards. Fear can paralyse you after being raped. It can appear to be beyond your control. You may well find it impossible to go into a place or situation in any way resembling the one in which you were raped. There are also other things that may bring the fear back in a flash, certain words or phrases, films, books, a smell... You may feel scared of going out or feel scared of being at home.

• Depression

  Although depression is a common reaction to being raped, it often goes unrecognised; the early waking, the general lack of feelings, or the crushing dull moods, which are recognisable characteristics of depression, can be interspersed with times of feeling more 'up' and 'normal'. Depression may occur for short or long periods of time and it may resurface even years after the rape.

  Recognising depression as a specific reaction is the first step in dealing with it; to be able to group all these feelings together and say to yourself 'This is depression and I have a good reason for feeling this way'. Talking about how you feel with someone you trust, who can understand what you're saying, usually brings a sense of relief and of sharing a burden, as well as helping you to clarify why you are depressed.

• Guilt

  Almost every woman who is raped feels guilty to some extent for what has happened. This feeling of guilt is supported by the myths that surround rape. You can always think of something you could have done to stop it happening. If only you locked the door, screamed more loudly, didn't scream, and didn't accept the lift...the list of all the 'ifs' and 'buts' is endless. It is important to remember however, that it was the rapist's choice to rape you, and there was nothing that you could have done to 'deserve' it. He is the only person responsible for the rape, and should be the only one feeling guilty.

• Powerless

  As well as feeling guilty about the rape, many women feel completely powerless to make decisions. It is as though you feel so bad and worthless for having brought such a terrible thing upon yourself that any decision you might make is totally worthless. The nature of rape means that you had your power taken away from you, your wants and needs were not considered, and as such, feeling powerless is a very normal and understandable response. Family and friends can sometimes make this situation worse as they want to protect you from making decisions for yourself, by making them for you. It is important for you to recognise this. As you begin to make decisions for yourself and realise that they are valid, you can begin to regain control over the situation.

• Physical Repulsion

  You may feel unable to touch anyone or have anyone touch you. Having had your body violated sexually, you may quite rightly want to protect it from further abuse. If you have children, you may find you do not want to cuddle them or let them touch you. This can also apply to friends and relatives. As far as lovers are concerned, this can be an even bigger problem. Your partner may find it difficult to accept that you do not want sexual contact. Wanting a hug or a cuddle one minute and not wanting one the next can be very confusing for both your lover and yourself and it is important that your lover recognises your confusion and that you don't feel responsible for theirs. Give yourself permission to be feeling the way you are, it is perfectly understandable considering what has happened, and be prepared for it to take some time before you start feeling differently.

• Loss of confidence

  Whether you tried to resist or not, you may have been unable to overcome, discourage or escape from the rapist. This will probably make you more aware of the stark reality that you can not always protect yourself, no matter how hard you try. It is likely that your self confidence will diminish and signs of this are likely to show in the way you relate to people, your appearance, sexual expression, sporting activities, travel and employment.

• Hostility Towards Men and Heightened Fear of Men

  These feelings could be directed towards specific individuals such as the rapist or any other man who was even remotely involved with the rape. It could be a relative or friend that you feel should have protected you. It could be a police officer or doctor who treated you badly. You may have a heightened awareness of the aggressive, 'macho' image that many men project and find this threatening and angering. 'Maleness' may take on bad connotations such as aggressiveness, arrogance, power, force, insensitivity and/or domination. You may see these characteristics in any man you see or know. It may be difficult for you to express this hostility towards men for fear of being labeled a 'man hater'. You may on the other hand, even feel that you should feel sorry for the rapist who has to be protected against himself, against his 'overpowering sexual urges', against his 'manhood', against his 'fragile male ego'.

• Loss of confidence

  Whether you tried to resist or not, you may have been unable to overcome, discourage or escape from the rapist. This will probably make you more aware of the stark reality that you can not always protect yourself, no matter how hard you try. It is likely that your self confidence will diminish and signs of this are likely to show in the way you relate to people, your appearance, sexual expression, sporting activities, travel and employment.

  Different women react to rape and sexual abuse in different ways. There may be a number of different ways that you can identify for yourself that have not been listed here. Whatever your reactions, they will be based on allowing you to survive and deal with the effects of rape or sexual abuse. No reaction is 'right' or 'wrong' and there will be something in your reaction that is going to be positive and useful to you.